Prayers

Many of us offer them about lots of different things. Sometimes it’s as simple as a prayer for no rain during a field trip or a soccer game. Or sometimes it’s a prayer for rain so that a game is postponed on what is already a busy day and you can use the time for something else. We offer prayers for little everyday things we would like to see happen or not happen, but in my experience those prayers don’t seem to carry the same weight as the ones that are offered on Shabbat and holidays, and those don’t even seem to carry the same weight as the prayers offered when something is wrong.

When I hear bad news, the first thing I think to say is “I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.” And then I really do. But I realized something last week that I have been doing for the past three years and it took a child’s experience to help me see the error of my ways.

Every single time I have uttered “I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers” since August of 2006 through last week, I have had a little moment of guilt hit me. Right after the words would come out of my mouth, I would feel like I had done a disservice to the person I had just said this to, because with all of the tsouris in my world, I would think to myself, what business do I have offering my prayers when obviously my prayers are not working? If my prayers are not working, then by offering them to someone else am I offering broken prayers that will do them no good, or even worse, could I somehow have a negative effect on them since even though I am praying so hard, my prayers are seemingly answered with more tsouris?

It was last week, when a friend shared with me that his child felt like something was her fault because she had not prayed hard enough, that my heart broke and my immediate thought was of course it was not her fault. I was sure that her prayers were offered fervently, with all of her energy and commitment for the best possible outcome, and the fact that things did not work out as all had hoped for was not a reflection on her prayers, or how she offered them. She should not feel guilty about her prayers, or feel for a single moment that her prayers were not worthy, or that they were ineffective. Any thought offered to support or comfort another is a wonderful gift, no matter how intangible, and should always be thought of as such. And regardless of the outcome, prayers answered or not, the offering of the prayer, the act of wishing only the best for another person, is such a moment of lovingkindness, that I wanted this child to know that she and the person she prayed for shared that moment and the specialness of that should not be replaced by feelings of guilt. It was in this moment, when I was thinking all of these thoughts about this situation, that I realized that all of the things that occurred to me about this child, applied to me as well.

I need to lose the guilt. Imagine that – a Jewish woman trying to lose the guilt! Could be easier said than done, but I am really trying. My prayers are not broken. Whether or not I feel like my prayers are being answered has no bearing on my capability of offering prayers to others. Any tsouris I am experiencing cannot rub off onto anyone else. Anytime you offer your best thoughts and wishes to another person, you are doing something helpful even if it doesn’t always feel that way based on the outcome.

Women are so helpful to each other in times of trouble. Comforting words are at the ready and we point out what is so clear to us about the situation because that’s easy to do from an outside the situation perspective. I am very grateful to have had a chance encounter that gave me the opportunity to look at myself from a new perspective and to make an adjustment to my thought process. I will continue to keep my friends and family members in my thoughts and prayers, only now, without guilt or judgment about the quality of my prayers.